Working it out

I haven't had any time to write about my journey lately, sorry. I'm plodding along. This past week I had family visiting. I love my family but this was stressful as hell. I came into this week telling myself to breath and immediately rushed into a restorative yoga class. Yesterday I took a full on physical, sweaty lets just work it all out kind of class and ended up crying at the end. I just needed to get it out. I have a few little Summer jobs and one of them is not enjoyable at all. There are some really toxic personalities floating about. A few times I have seriously wanted to stick a cigarette in my mouth and just watch everything go up in smoke. I didn't and here's why. Cigarettes will not help family communications, nor will they make the temporary co-workers attitudes become bearable. What cigarettes will do is make me sick, if not now, eventually. What will happen is right after I smoke I'll feel tired and fatigued and will not have the energy to deal with all the intense interactions I have to deal with, this will in turn make me emotionally venerable and to protect myself I will get sick. I don't need to smoke, I need to make some big decisions in my life, confront my issues. Scary man, scary........

In the meantime, it's a slow ascent up the mountain.

Graduation Day!

Thursday was the last day of our group. We had a party, complete with cupcakes! It really did feel like there was an accomplishment to celebrate. Our group will meet again in six weeks to touch base. I'm glad were meeting again, the accountability is a big motivator. I'm rooting for myself and my group mates, I look forward to seeing them in September. It's been amazing and inspirational to see the physical change each week. This has been a wonderful experience filled with committed people who have been incredibly motivating. If only more of life could be this supportive.

For now I remain in my healing process. I still have urges in the evening, but they grow weaker with time and less annoying. Tomorrow makes six weeks........ And away I go, living life.

Screw you for not smoking

From Salon.com
Last fall, after 13 years of pleasurable puffing, I smoked my last cigarette. I thought quitting would make me feel healthy and hale -- so why the hell is my body falling apart?
By Rebecca Traister

March 14, 2007 After having smoked cigarettes every day for 13 years, I took my last drag on Oct. 10, 2006. Like most smokers, I'd considered quitting many times, set arbitrary dates for cessation, pondered patch-gum-Wellbutrin methodology, and never brought any plan to fruition. My choice to stop this fall took me by surprise; I hadn't planned it, and while the process was excruciating, the moment of decision was as simple as going to bed one night and realizing that "it" -- my life as a smoker, which I had really, really loved -- was over. Also unexpected is that so far, I have not backslid, though I'm not hubristic enough to pretend that this won't get harder with the return of warm weather and outdoor dining to Brooklyn, N.Y. But what has truly floored me is what has happened to my body since I shocked it by taking away its daily feed of nicotine and tar.
This is not going to be a piece about how as soon as I put down the cancer sticks, my heart began pounding stronger, bringing rosy color to my suddenly smooth cheeks, or how my hair grew lustrous and I began tasting food better and my lungs expanded to gulp in billows of fresh air, like a princess awakened from her carcinogenic coffin after the evil Camel's spell was lifted. That's the tale I'd been told by many smug people who urged me to quit over the years. This is about what actually happened.
October
Unsurprisingly, I gained some weight. There are many explanations for why quitters pack on pounds: Cigarettes speed up metabolism; they are appetite suppressants; the oral fixation they satisfy can be sated only by French fries. Here's what was true for me: During those first weeks without smokes, I rewarded my daily virtue on a pasta-and-pork-product-based system. I also treated myself by trading in my loathed morning cardio workout for yoga. I'd previously prided myself on being the only woman in her 30s in New York never to have taken a yoga class, but I'd gathered that the practice might aid the post-smoking cleansing process. Or something. As it turns out, beginning yoga, while fun, does not torch calories.
I made my peace with the extra baggage. Except for the smoking, I am in relatively good shape: strong and muscular, I eat vegetables and lean proteins and I don't drink soda. As I shoveled in delicious dinners, I decided that 10 pounds was a reasonable price for kicking my wickedest habit. I was less prepared for what happened to my skin. At 31, I have not yet become transfixed by the thin lines wending their way from my eyes, and I'd heard that quitting would brighten and smooth whatever imperfections might vex me. But a week after my last cigarette, things began to go very badly on my face. I broke out in angry blemishes, I got a canker sore inside my bottom lip, and my complexion ran the gamut from pallid to waxen. Perhaps, I reasoned, employing the kind of New-Agey logic that leads people to believe they need colonics, it was decades' worth of toxins being expelled through my skin.
They were certainly being expelled from my lungs! One of the knee-slapping ironies about smoking is that many people who quit promptly develop a scratchy throat and hacking cough, producing globs of repulsive substances as their scilia come lurchingly back to life after decades of nicotine-induced slumber. And as soon as they get back to their job, shooing bad stuff away from the pulmonary system and showing the stuff that's already there the door, it's a multi-Kleenex rainbow tour of phlegm.

To read all of Rebecca Traister's wickedly funny journey to a smoke free world click here

July 10 - July 11, 2009

OK, so its been a rocky road since the fourth. So what do I have going for me. I have a lot and now seems like a good time to tell you some of it. I have 34 smoke free days under my belt. I am healthy,happy and more in love with my yoga practice than I have ever been in my life. I have been taking class every day. Breathing, living and loving my practice. This is going to see me across the bridge to to the other side. I just know it.

I am going to take a post from my regular blog and repeat it here.

( date of post June 28th)

lately I have been saying to myself, " Be the change. Be the change" I walk my dogs, go about my day, grocery shop, write reports, go to meetings, pay the bills and I tell myself over and over" be the change... be the change." There is something internal going on inside of me. Something profound that I am at this point unable to articulate yet feel in every fiber of my being. So Friday I am in yoga class, burning off my karma and opening up my heart chalkra and my teacher Jenna says,"If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make the change."

ahh.... thank you girl, that was perfect and to you Mr. Jackson, I really didn't know you very well but I am very sorry things were so terribly painful for you. I hope the next time is much better. Thank you for the message, I'll take it to heart.

Yup, I am the change. The change forward to something better, the change to embrace life, the change toward self empowerment. So maybe my ass doesn't fit on my bike seat these days but my heart is definitely in the right place and fitting nicely into my life.

July 9,2009

I schlep into my smoking cessation group. I'm a little late and not feeling great to say the least. The fourth of July really knocked the sails out of my wind. As I enter, the group facilitator asks me how I'm doing. I relate my story of inducement and near failure. As it turns out, it was a bad night for all of us. My group mates fared no better and smoked a few. We processed what happened and how we were feeling and what we could do to avoid this entrapment the next time. The truth is situations are going to lure us in. As much as I try to place myself in safe situations, things are going to come up that are completely our of my control. I'm going to need strategies. I need to work on this, I do not have all I need to help myself in this area. Also slips may happen. A slip is one cigarette and you get back into your quit and your healing. A complete fall is buying a pack of cigarettes and sending off smoke signals. Forgive the slip and avoid the fall. Here's a distressing note to end on. One cigarette, ( a slip) can have adverse affects and setback someone with COPD for an entire month. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!

July 5,2009

Sunday we go for a bike ride. My self esteem has taken a real hit. I feel as big as a house and just not feeling good about myself. Everywhere I look I see lovely ladies, bicycling, jogging, walking their dogs. I realize my ass is too big for my bicycle seat. My ass is killing me, I really need a wider seat. This realization is not helping. I want to get beyond this point, this sucks.

July 4, 2009

Fourth of July, I am going to a barbecue. I don't know the host but its close by and should be fun. We can barbecue, watch fireworks and go home. Excellent, perfect, what could be better! Am I insane? What a fucking nightmare. Everyone is drinking and smoking. There are hamburgers and hot dogs and potato chips with a little potato salad on the side. I hate potato salad. I don't eat meat, I'm Kosher and I'm really hungry. People are drinking and smoking all around me. This is an urban party with a lot going on. Lots of men and sex in the city ladies and stuff happening all around me. I feel like a beached whale, a hungry beached whale. The fireworks just aren't starting. We literally wait hours and still nothing. I can't take it I've reached my limit when someone offers me a cigarette and I'm totally ready and reaching for it. Fortunately the man intercedes. We leave right after this incident. I am shaken. My faith in my ability is shaken. I feel like shit and to top it off we missed the fucking fireworks.

July 2, 2009

I come back for group today. Its yet another overcast rainy day. So whats new. The group is small today. Its the participants and only two people from the program. That is small for this group. There is a huge show of support. People are doing well. No one is smoking. We discuss temptation and triggers. The fourth of July is coming up and they are preparing us for the possibility of being around others who are smoking or feeling tempted to smoke ourselves. I listen and try to come up with strategies. I really don't have a lot but I know what I have works because I have used it successfully. I also talk about gaining weight, which I'm not bothered by but want to address before it spirals into something serious. I think were all feeling solid today and its going to be just fine.

June 26 - July 1, 2009

Crazy work period officially OVER! Sweet, sweet Summertime has arrived. I excitedly throw bathing suit , shorts and dog in the car and head for the Cape. It's nothing but net from here on out. Beach time, tennis, hiking and I'll be cooking from This Crazy Vegan Life by Christine Pirello. I am so psyched and in my head I have lots and lots of beach time and cooking planned . Here's the actual facts though. I'm fried, totally and it rained the entire week with the exception of one afternoon. Cooking from this crazy vegan life is quite time consuming and I find what I really want to do is eat and sleep, not cook and eat. So that's what I do, I eat and eat and eat and sleep some. By the end of the week I stuff myself back in the car to head to group. I have not smoked and I have not longed to smoke, not really. Some pangs during that one period of the evening but I get through it all. What really concerns me is the fact I've packed on 10 pounds. I have to slow down, rest and gain some balance in this area. Fine I will, but for the moment just pass the pasta.

July 25, 2009

Today we meet and everyone in the group is into their quit. I really can't begin to describe how my fellow group mates look. It's amazing to see the difference. Vibrant, radiating health. The smell of tobacco is not present in the room today and no one is coughing. I can see, actually physically see breath is less labored. This is actual proof and I am amazed at the restorative powers of the human body. As we leave the clinic today we all chat a bit about how were feeling. Although everyone is pleased with progress there is a general feeling the worst is yet to come. I keep hearing "I hope I can keep this up" and "It's the psychological piece I have to get through." I totally agree but I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to keep working the problem and bring the solution back home. I want to do this until I forget I ever smoked.

June 19 June - 24, 2009

What a stressful week! I frantically make lists, complete items to do, and make more lists. Do not call me to chat, do not call me period. Do not ask me to do one more thing, I just can't I have way too much to do and its all on deadline!

I am no longer wearing the patch and I am able to handle my triggers and craving's. They almost exclusively come between 7pm and 9pm each evening. I don't have to look at a clock any longer to know the time. I feel this time is a little test of stress but I'm passing my exam and will soon be able to move on. Oh yes and my teeth are cleaner and someone told me at work I'm looking vibrant with more color in my face. Wow! How anyone can say that in this work climate...... I'll take it!

June 18, 2009

Today I have group. We continue to make strategy's about how to deal with situations as they will occur and ways to keep healthy. Next week is every ones quit date. I can feel how nervous people are. There really is a lot of anticipation and stress, but truly in the end that's not the hard part. It takes more self will to work through the cravings and breaking habits long established over time then that moment you decided to stop. Actually it feels good to kick Nick out of the house.... the bastard. Tobacco addiction didn't occur overnight and it can't be broken overnight, which is why we have to be patient with ourselves and let new habits unfold and take hold while old ones fade away.

Speaking of habits, unbelievably on Monday I raced out the door without my patch on. I had recently stepped down to a lower dose patch and was feeling OK about this development when halfway through my day I had a strong urge followed by a habitual pat. Pat my left arm , pat my right arm, pat my left leg, my right leg....... shit! I forget to put it on. I managed to get one and put it on half way through the day which got me through the early evening, the roughest part of my day in terms of triggers and cravings. Tuesday I thought I might try again to see how long I could go without wearing a patch. Straight though the day. Not bad. Wednesday and Thursday I bit the bullet and just stopped wearing one. Thursday felt..... not half bad.

I'm having some interesting little side effects. Yes I've gained some weight and I'm sleeping like a rock at night but during the day how do I put this delicately.... I'm a bit windy. Well hopefully this will pass too, onward and upward.

June 14th - 17th

This would probably be a good time to tell you a little about me. I am a therapist and a yoga teacher. I prefer a more natural existence and feel better when I eat whole foods and few meats. When I am in prolonged periods of vegan and vegetarianism I would smoke very, very little to nothing at all. Heavier periods of smoking coincided with meat eating and one particular very bad event which took four years for me to emotionally recover from resulted in regular heavy smoking. I decided to quit smoking a month after deciding to go back to a vegetarian lifestyle and realized I was on to something. This is totally about my body and how it responds to what's out there in the world. I truly believe that each body is different and everyone has different needs. My body just happens to need less meat and more vegetables. Smoking and teaching yoga do not go hand in hand and since becoming a yoga teacher I have felt like a hypocrite teaching people to become in touch with their feelings and their body and encouraging them to abandon modes of thinking and doing which do not serve them and then sneaking a cigarette when no one was looking. In the past ten days I have noticed I wake up in the morning with more energy, I take deeper breaths throughout the day and I have more breath and deeper breath available during my yoga practice . Since so much of yoga is about breath I am noticing the difference immediately. It feels good.

July 17th entry in a year of living your yoga:

It is a miracle that every day all my cells agree to be me for one more day.

Today when you lie down to practice Savasana ( basic relaxation pose), begin by thanking your whole body for supporting your consciousness.

June 13,2009

I wake up on Saturday and realized I needed inspiration. I find it in a funny little place, an Internet site called Bliss tree. I think it's Canadian, it has a little health section which posts the classic list of what happens to your body after you quit smoking. For some odd reason there is a comment section that has taken on a life of its own with almost 3000 comments. It has became a support group for people. You can find just about anybody in any situation, gender or age group up to 24 months into their quit. Everyone is talking, processing, supporting and relating how their feeling. I bookmark it as a favorite under inspirational stories to help me not smoke. It's just what I need right now. It's Saturday and that means I work in the morning and head to Cape Cod for the rest of the weekend. Its a beautiful weekend. I pick up a friend and we drive down together. I have a great time, its a fantastic party. There are quite a few people but those that know me know I have quit and are very supportive. I have a really fantastic conversation with someone who quit and actually does know something about possible after efects in health after quiting. Their brother in law is a physician in research at Johns Hopkins in just that area.! What are the odds? Amazing! All I'm going to say is your good to go. I don't care if your 85 years old, its all good news, just quit! I have planned this day out in my cessation group and have a plan if things get intense. I actually go for quite a few walks with my lovely canine princess, I drink lots of water and when I have had enough I go to bed. SUCCESS!! I do not smoke, I have a great time AND all my vegan cupcakes got eaten.

Happy , Happy, Joy, Joy!

June 12, 2009

Oh my god I've made it to the end of the week. Riding the waves of my craving's is exhausting. Thinking about not smoking is exhausting. When I am not riding the wave of a cravings, thinking about not smoking, I am having anxiety about this party I am going to tomorrow and anxiety about all the paperwork I have to do and all the obligations I have and worried I may smoke during a weak moment! One of the things keeping me going is the positive feedback I am getting from others. As a closet smoker, not many knew I smoked. I have been more open about it this past year and I have been really open about the fact I am in the process of quitting. Some people have been incredibly supportive, some just a little but up until today no one has been non supportive or tried to sabotage my recovery.

Today I needed an extra boost and more people than usual telling me, "right on, you can do this, excellent woman!" On Friday's only I share space with another worker. We chat occasionally and I let her in on my quit. She immediately asked how long it had been. My instinct told me to stop talking and get up and leave. I ignored her question and told her I was in a smoking cessation group and was feeling quite good. I then made a move to leave. I had been needy and made a very bad choice and I had a strong feeling I needed to go. Before I was able to exit she became instantly wise and sage and lifted her head to the heavens and stated, "That's good, but just remember you may have prolonged the number of healthy years you have and you may have decreased the severity of cancer you get, but you will get cancer. Anyone who smoked will get cancer" I was stunned. I had always been respectful and kind to her. There was no call for the crap coming out of her mouth. I was furious! I retorted"With words like that I might as well go out and buy a pack right now and smoke the whole thing at once." Then I did get up and leave. She was out to sabotage my recovery and make me feel like shit, even if I succeed she wanted to make me feel like shit, there would be no success if she had her way. This woman had a hidden agenda based on her personal background. Nothing to do with me or facts or science or research reports or living life with a good attitude. I learned quite a few important lessons. I cannot be an open book about this. Its important to have a support group and trust they will support you, choose wisely. People will try to sabotage your recovery you must be prepared to walk away and remove yourself from their toxic vapors. Let people know that they need to be supportive and if they say something that is damaging tell them that you need support right now and what they said isn't supportive so you would prefer if that is what they have to say that they say nothing. Be assertive, not aggressive, assertive. Its your recovery and you have the right to good health and peace of mind.

June 11, 2009

I am tired. This is another non stop day which started entirely too early and feels it will end entirely too late. fatigue has certainly set in, but I have a routine now. I wake up and immediately go to the bathroom where my patch is waiting for me. I slap that puppy on and away I go. I dash through my day trying to complete all I need to do on time because today is the first proper day of my cessation group. This might be a good time to mention from where I work the commute is long and rough to get to this group. I know I'm serious about this or totally mad because only the serious or insane would make this commute. I work, I chew gum, I work I chew gum...... my facilitator said that cinnamon gum is really helpful. It actually is, who knew. So my moment comes I slug through that commute, find a parking space in the garage and I meet my group. There are four of us and just as many supports. Its good to be in a group and its good to hear people talk. Not just the people who have successfully quit but the folks like me who are trying to quit. I leave feeling good about myself, happy that I am not alone in my attempts. The group helps me strategize a plan because I will be going to a party over the weekend. I am nervous about staying smoke free but with the facilitator I have a plan and it really helps to know I am coming back next week and will need to report in. So party on figuratively and literally.

June 10, 2009

Today is another non stop day of activity. I rush through my day knowing I will be meeting the facilitator of the smoking cessation group at the end of the day. She is going to get me up and running for a group that started last week. I'm nervous she is going to preform some test and and tell me I am beyond repair and refer me to a clinic for the terminal. This is a ridiculous thought and I have no idea where it's coming from. In truth I meet two of the women who will be a part of my program. My cessation group is part of the American Lung Association's program. They have lots of information for me and talk about track packing and a variety of options I can use to help my quit. As it turns out I will be the first in my group to quit as the others are gearing to it and wont be smoke free for a couple of weeks yet. We discuss options and I learn quite a few things. For one the patch cannot be used with Chantix. I didn't know this and am thankful I held onto my prescription for a few days. I also learned that when using the patch you must wait six hours before having a cigarette. I'm sure that was posted on the box which I nor anyone I know has read. I can't tell you how many people I know have been having a really bad day and ripped off their patch and lit up. The patch is working for me and I didn't want to use the chantix anyways. The possible side effects really frighten me. I will think about the zyban though. Right now I am doing OK able to ride the wave of my cravings. I'm fatigued though and I just want to sleep.

June 9, 2009

My thought for the day in a year of living your yoga states:
Inhale, Exhale
You will experience at least one stressful moment today. When you do, remember to inhale and to exhale. Breathing will slow you down, so you will be more likely to make the choices you enjoy in life.

Wow! Really? The universe is really supporting this decision. Breath and relax, breath and relax. Today is filled with many obligations including a boatload of end of the year paperwork and special Olympics. I need focus and energy to motor through my day. I start my day by waking up and immediately trotting into the bathroom, There lovingly laid out on the bathroom sink is a patch with the top already cut off so all I have to do is put it on, first thing, immediately! The patch needs a new placement each day. I prefer one arm each then one leg switching to a new place each day. Placing the patch behind the shoulder irritates my skin for some reason, so I skip that one. So far so good, I just need to keep breathing. To help that along I'm going to yoga class tonight.

June 8, 2009

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature." Sigmund Freud

I have to do this. I want to do this. I have no idea how to do this successfully, but today is day one and I am going to try. The drive to succeed is strong and that is why I think my thoughts rose from the unconscious with a personal moment where the light goes on in an ahhhh moment. As a doctoral student in Freudian analysis I take unconscious thought seriously and know the time to act is now. I interrupt what I am doing and furiously begin making phone calls for prescriptions, acupuncture and a smoking cessation group, preferably one that's starting NOW. I need help, lots and lots of help. I need help in a group format where we are all in this together. By the end of the day I've set myself up and my cessation group starts in two days. I have the patch,I have a prescription for medication, I have a group. Yeah? Really? Your going slap me? We'll then, I'm gonna punch back.