Strange Silver Lining

Up till yesterday I would always take my dogs here for a walk and social time with their canine friends. That will never happen again. Yesterday was an awful, stressful, exhausting, TERRIBLE day and it all started in these woods. There was some kind of child and parent mountain biking event. A little girl sitting in a chair by the path was particularly frightened of dogs and began to cry when a puppy ran up to lick her. Her father was quite upset and his reaction was beyond the pale and horrified me enough to know the environment was not safe and it was time to gather my own dogs, leave the area, and go directly to the police. After this I had a hurtful encounter with a neighbor, something that took me by surprise and shocked me to the core, as I know only a few people in my neighborhood and although I have lived here for five years I haven't built any relationships with anyone. My neighborhood is not a social environment. Its very urban, a bit raw, occasionally violent and not a community setting to say the very least.

I was shattered by mid morning. This is the first non summer Saturday in many years I did not have to work and it was completely ruined before 10 am. I later tried to go for a run but found the track and field I like to run on was having an event. I also missed the yoga class I was hoping to take. This was followed by an Italian dinner in town where I had reservations for five but only three could make it, therefore even with reservations we waited at least an hour as they tried to find us another table.

Yesterday I transitioned to the lowest dose patch as part of my NRT quitting program. I will stay on this does for 60 days then make the final transition to a completely nicotine free life. I didn't have a problem with my last step down, but maybe because it was such a VERY stressful day yesterday and my emotions were sizable as evidenced by the fact I cried all day, I felt physically ill and had urges throughout the entire day, which is unusual. I got through it smokeless and today is a new day. We are hiking in some different woods which has fewer people and is more peaceful and I think we'll really enjoy it. The man and I had a serious discussion and I have a list of houses to look at and some organizing to do. Were moving out of the urban dwelling. We've really outgrown this, it's soooo yesterday. This is something that should have been done a long time ago. Maybe if I were still smoking I would have just sat and sucked it up, but not now, not today.

Just do it!

Yeah that's right I did it.... like a granny with a walker and the wrong shoes on... but I did it. I ran a continuous mile and a quarter! That is the most I have done in ever so long I don't even remember the last time I was able to do that. This is a tremendous boost to my ego. Much needed I might add. I've gained a few pounds and I'm still riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster, albeit right now its more a kiddo ride than the major theme park amusement one I had been holding onto, but still a few sniffles and growls here and there. I'm trying to build some internal positive reinforcement as I complete month one of no smoking. This is because I know month two is a bit easier in some ways but for many a time we struggle with depression. I'm not sure why but its a common theme and therefore a fragile month. I'm prepared to tackle it and move beyond it this time.

Have a great day everyone!

Drifting along

We've drifted into Autumn. The weather is warm, the leaves are falling, the colors are turning vibrant. This is an intoxicating season, its sooo very lovely. I'm feeling much better these days. I'm still sleeping like a Trojan at night but during the day the emotional roller coaster I was riding seems to have slowed considerably. I think the vitamins have really made a difference. Here are a few things I have noticed at this point. My sense of smell has become more acute. I am waking up with far more energy than I have in quite some time. I fatigue much quicker at the end of day and will fall asleep instantly. I have not had a mid day slump in a while therefore I have not wanted (not that I could) a midday nap. I do have a few urges in the evening but there growing faint and don't last very long therefore there getting easier to ignore. I'm taking bigger breaths and breath in general just seems fuller and more at ease. All in all I am feeling pretty good these days. I want to incorporate drinking more water into my schedule. I don't think I'm drinking enough water, so I'm going to make sure I pack a couple of water bottles with me in the morning and remind myself to sip water throughout the day. OK that's it for now..... over and out

Moving forward

This is pretty much where I'm at right now. Walking through the woods slowly but deliberately, trying to see the forest from the trees and just be at peace. This past few days have definitely been much easier to deal with. I've had very few cravings and the ones I experience have come and gone quickly. I went to the health food store over the weekend and got some vitamins and I am following my plan which I described in earlier posts. Autumn is a time where a lot of things start up again, so with my full schedule and my body in flux I am really fatigued by the end of the day. I go to bed quite early these days. I do find my dreaming is vivid and filled but nothing disturbing or disruptive. My weeks are very full and I really feel in order to be successful right now I need to just take things one day at a time and not try to do everything at once. That said I really enjoy physical activity and I would like to make time in my schedule for something more regular. It just makes me feel a whole lot better. That's my plan for October, make regular time for some of the activities I really enjoy like yoga and jogging. That's my next great plan and I'm looking forward to it!

Sunday Morning

Fabulous wedding. It was beautiful, well done, heart felt and just a real joy all the way around. Yesterday morning was quite difficult, but not for reasons related to smoking or not smoking or feelings about quitting. At the wedding I had one small urge in the evening which practically passed before it came, and that was it.

I want to talk a little about urges and nicotine. From a holistic point of view it is my understanding that when we quit smoking nicotine cigarettes the addictive substance and other additives begins to exit our body. chemicals leave the body in many ways such as through perspiration and urine. After a period of time which is actually significantly more than 72 hours the vast majority of the nicotine and chemicals are gone but a very small amount of the substance can take years to completely clean out of the system. This is why an ex smoker of many years will suddenly have a craving out of no where. The system will have finally dislodged something and is sending it on its way. The craving occurs while whatever is in there is leaving the body. During my yoga teacher training my teacher talked about people who did a lot of praynama (breath work) smelling tobacco occasionally when they were doing breath exercises. This would be ten years after they quit smoking. Things were still being expelled ( hich is great!) When this happens there's a small urge which comes and goes.

I've noticed some people get very dramatic about cravings and urges, claiming they never go away and its a battle you live with every minute of every day or something to that fact. That's rather sensational and completely untrue but some people must be the drama queen no matter the situation or how appropriate or even if they only have the tiniest idea of what their talking about.

Happy Sunday, remember to breath and be well......

The Blues

Yesterday I did not have a single craving, not one. Unfortunately I made up for that nagging nasty feeling with a topsy turvy day of emotional ups and downs. So you ask what gets Miss. S so down she's a puddly mess? The answer is, it doesn't take much. A sentimental song, someone who is slightly rude, forgetting things I need to do, my dogs rushing to greet me when I come home, It takes nothing these days to activate the tear factory. The morning seems better but I can easily droop into tears by the afternoon. It's called hormones gone wild, Florida spring break style! I'm just going to have to ride this out. I was looking on some sites where people relate their experiences and quite a few people talked about emotional ups and downs and deep shitty stuff coming to the surface. Why not, everything else comes up, it makes sense the trash feelings will make there way to the surface with the other toxic junk coming out of the system. Tomorrow I am going to the health food store for vitamins, fresh yogurt and kava kava. I think my holistic intervention will ease some of the aches and pains. Today I have a wedding to go to, so in preparation I'm bringing lots of Kleenex as I can only imagine!

Good night and sweet dreams!

Day 19 and by the evening I'm just exhausted. Ironically, I'm less fatigued throughout my day and I wake up with more energy, but by evening I am DONE. Now for the good, the bad and the ugly. The good is my stamina increases every time I go for a jog which is intense positive reinforcement. Also it helps keep the weight down and prevents saggy, flabby big bottom syndrome, so thank you, I'll take it. The bad is feeling a little melancholy throughout the day, every day. Feeling low doesn't make me want to smoke, but its a primary contributor to my exhaustion at the end of the day. Loooots of changes in the body, looooots of hormones in flux right now. I just need to be a little patient and do a bit more yoga to even the system out. Make a little plan to help me through and stick to it, that's what I need to arrange for myself at the moment. The ugly are the return of canker sores This is not uncommon for A, people who have recently quit smoking or B, people under a lot of stress or C, people who have quit smoking who feel stressed out. I'm listening to my body and its telling me to look in the vitamin cabinet for B12 and if there isn't any in there this would be a fabulous time to go buy some. So there you have it, my grand plan for personal health and just getting through right now; keep jogging, increase the yoga and take B12 vitamins.

ps. Only have urges for a few hours in the evening. They come and go, I mean I'd like to kick their sorry ass right out of this house permanently, but eventually they will understand there unwanted and leave of there on accord!