Boxes and Bags and Big Hugs!

It's a holiday weekend here in the states. I have an advanced training which is quite long and complicated that will complete at the of 2010. I attend the training during the day, come home, walk the dogs and then pack boxes. Now that I have started the packing process I'm on a bit of a roll. Last night the pooches and I were out for a walk and I was making a list in my head as to what should be packed and thinking about a solid goal I could reach by the end of the evening when I had an urge sweep over me. I knew it must be sometime in the witching hours as that is the only time I get cravings now. I stepped back to examine my urge and realized that what I really wanted was a few minutes of down time. I told myself I could have all the down time I needed. I could spend the evening doing anything I wanted or nothing at all. I instantly felt better, the urge disappeared and I ended up packing 10 boxes! I'm going to be gentle with myself through this process.

As I wrote about briefly, this past weekend was really horrible with one negative incident after another trying to sucker punch me and knock down my reserve. I managed to collect myself and not fall victim to all the nasty stuff flying in my direction. We had a good sit down talk in our house and made some decisions which we immediately put into action. With some surprise at the speed it presented itself we found the perfect home, in the perfect location. We made an offer, it was excepted and I came home with a stack of boxes and a to do list a mile long because we are permanently moving from this neighborhood, this town and this area! As I said in an earlier post If I were still smoking I might have just holed away and sucked down my feelings. That was then, this is now. Speaking of which, I have forgot to put the NR patch on yesterday. I often rub the patch when it on my arm and that's how I noticed I had forgotten. I didn't experience any cravings or urges so I didn't bother to put one on once I had remembered. I'm not going to risk it though, I'm sticking with the plan and keeping the patch on this month and next. I am paving the way toward a solid transition.

Wishing everyone a strong beautiful day.

Hope

“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.” (unknown)

I'm feeling pretty good today, hopeful, happy and excited for life. I'm over the thirty day hump and looking forward to the next month. We are looking at houses over the next few days and I have some big appointments in the coming weeks. It is my hope we find a place quickly which will really set everything in motion. Yesterday I was exhausted. I think the weekend really took it all out of me as it continued to fall apart right till the end. Half way through yesterday I lost all energy, felt dizzy and somewhat achy. I went home, went to bed and basically got up today and feel much better. I will take some extra vitamin C though to be on the safe side. I have fewer and fewer urges and the ones I have grow weaker each day. The stressful weekend brought increased urges which were stronger but nothing I couldn't handle. My chest feels a little gunky in the morning these days but I figure it will for a while as my system is cleaning out. I feel OK, hopeful, stronger, better.

Strange Silver Lining

Up till yesterday I would always take my dogs here for a walk and social time with their canine friends. That will never happen again. Yesterday was an awful, stressful, exhausting, TERRIBLE day and it all started in these woods. There was some kind of child and parent mountain biking event. A little girl sitting in a chair by the path was particularly frightened of dogs and began to cry when a puppy ran up to lick her. Her father was quite upset and his reaction was beyond the pale and horrified me enough to know the environment was not safe and it was time to gather my own dogs, leave the area, and go directly to the police. After this I had a hurtful encounter with a neighbor, something that took me by surprise and shocked me to the core, as I know only a few people in my neighborhood and although I have lived here for five years I haven't built any relationships with anyone. My neighborhood is not a social environment. Its very urban, a bit raw, occasionally violent and not a community setting to say the very least.

I was shattered by mid morning. This is the first non summer Saturday in many years I did not have to work and it was completely ruined before 10 am. I later tried to go for a run but found the track and field I like to run on was having an event. I also missed the yoga class I was hoping to take. This was followed by an Italian dinner in town where I had reservations for five but only three could make it, therefore even with reservations we waited at least an hour as they tried to find us another table.

Yesterday I transitioned to the lowest dose patch as part of my NRT quitting program. I will stay on this does for 60 days then make the final transition to a completely nicotine free life. I didn't have a problem with my last step down, but maybe because it was such a VERY stressful day yesterday and my emotions were sizable as evidenced by the fact I cried all day, I felt physically ill and had urges throughout the entire day, which is unusual. I got through it smokeless and today is a new day. We are hiking in some different woods which has fewer people and is more peaceful and I think we'll really enjoy it. The man and I had a serious discussion and I have a list of houses to look at and some organizing to do. Were moving out of the urban dwelling. We've really outgrown this, it's soooo yesterday. This is something that should have been done a long time ago. Maybe if I were still smoking I would have just sat and sucked it up, but not now, not today.

Just do it!

Yeah that's right I did it.... like a granny with a walker and the wrong shoes on... but I did it. I ran a continuous mile and a quarter! That is the most I have done in ever so long I don't even remember the last time I was able to do that. This is a tremendous boost to my ego. Much needed I might add. I've gained a few pounds and I'm still riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster, albeit right now its more a kiddo ride than the major theme park amusement one I had been holding onto, but still a few sniffles and growls here and there. I'm trying to build some internal positive reinforcement as I complete month one of no smoking. This is because I know month two is a bit easier in some ways but for many a time we struggle with depression. I'm not sure why but its a common theme and therefore a fragile month. I'm prepared to tackle it and move beyond it this time.

Have a great day everyone!

Drifting along

We've drifted into Autumn. The weather is warm, the leaves are falling, the colors are turning vibrant. This is an intoxicating season, its sooo very lovely. I'm feeling much better these days. I'm still sleeping like a Trojan at night but during the day the emotional roller coaster I was riding seems to have slowed considerably. I think the vitamins have really made a difference. Here are a few things I have noticed at this point. My sense of smell has become more acute. I am waking up with far more energy than I have in quite some time. I fatigue much quicker at the end of day and will fall asleep instantly. I have not had a mid day slump in a while therefore I have not wanted (not that I could) a midday nap. I do have a few urges in the evening but there growing faint and don't last very long therefore there getting easier to ignore. I'm taking bigger breaths and breath in general just seems fuller and more at ease. All in all I am feeling pretty good these days. I want to incorporate drinking more water into my schedule. I don't think I'm drinking enough water, so I'm going to make sure I pack a couple of water bottles with me in the morning and remind myself to sip water throughout the day. OK that's it for now..... over and out

Moving forward

This is pretty much where I'm at right now. Walking through the woods slowly but deliberately, trying to see the forest from the trees and just be at peace. This past few days have definitely been much easier to deal with. I've had very few cravings and the ones I experience have come and gone quickly. I went to the health food store over the weekend and got some vitamins and I am following my plan which I described in earlier posts. Autumn is a time where a lot of things start up again, so with my full schedule and my body in flux I am really fatigued by the end of the day. I go to bed quite early these days. I do find my dreaming is vivid and filled but nothing disturbing or disruptive. My weeks are very full and I really feel in order to be successful right now I need to just take things one day at a time and not try to do everything at once. That said I really enjoy physical activity and I would like to make time in my schedule for something more regular. It just makes me feel a whole lot better. That's my plan for October, make regular time for some of the activities I really enjoy like yoga and jogging. That's my next great plan and I'm looking forward to it!