Good night and sweet dreams!

Day 19 and by the evening I'm just exhausted. Ironically, I'm less fatigued throughout my day and I wake up with more energy, but by evening I am DONE. Now for the good, the bad and the ugly. The good is my stamina increases every time I go for a jog which is intense positive reinforcement. Also it helps keep the weight down and prevents saggy, flabby big bottom syndrome, so thank you, I'll take it. The bad is feeling a little melancholy throughout the day, every day. Feeling low doesn't make me want to smoke, but its a primary contributor to my exhaustion at the end of the day. Loooots of changes in the body, looooots of hormones in flux right now. I just need to be a little patient and do a bit more yoga to even the system out. Make a little plan to help me through and stick to it, that's what I need to arrange for myself at the moment. The ugly are the return of canker sores This is not uncommon for A, people who have recently quit smoking or B, people under a lot of stress or C, people who have quit smoking who feel stressed out. I'm listening to my body and its telling me to look in the vitamin cabinet for B12 and if there isn't any in there this would be a fabulous time to go buy some. So there you have it, my grand plan for personal health and just getting through right now; keep jogging, increase the yoga and take B12 vitamins.

ps. Only have urges for a few hours in the evening. They come and go, I mean I'd like to kick their sorry ass right out of this house permanently, but eventually they will understand there unwanted and leave of there on accord!

Stress

Completely stressed out day yesterday. By the time I got home I was completely fried eggs. I had a few urges and was feeling sorry for myself as well. The urges were easy to ride over and move beyond as my real longing was to climb in bed and pull the sheets over my head and hide away from the world. I spent some time really thinking about my life, goals and what's particularly meaningful to me at this juncture. I came to some real resolutions and felt a rush of relief before I slipped off to sleep. This morning my throat feels a bit rough and I have a canker sore in my mouth. This is a sure sign I have been really stressed out but I think perhaps my body is in the process of cleaning out as well which can be a bit unpleasant. At this point its about handling the emotional which is equally difficult and takes longer to deal with than the physical. OK then, one more day down

Peace Day

Woke up feeling good today. Last night I dreamed I was surfing with an old friend from college. Gliding along in the water felt like heaven but swimming out in the ocean was rather difficult. I needed to stay on my board, stick with the planned activity. This seems a good metaphor for my life right now. Have a plan and stick to it and things should go a lot easier. The plan is to stay with the nicotine patches for a while. Last time I found I could easily manage without them and stopped wearing them early on. For me the patches are a barrier or a wall of protection in my moments of weakness. I think for me its best I keep wearing one at a low dose for 90 days. I've noticed in reading other peoples blogs that people start to feel a bit better in their efforts about this point. Good days follow bad days which follow mediocre ones and the cycle continues with more good days than bad ones. I think this is a good sign because that means there's breaks in the struggle. Those breaks will become longer and longer with fewer and fewer points of struggle. That's the plan! In the meantime happy Peace Day everyone :)

Keep at It

One of my recently acquired and favorite activities is jogging. I try to do a couple of miles three times a week. I would like to get out there every day but I'm not that organized yet. This activity fills numerous needs. Each day I don't smoke jogging becomes less labored, easier. When I started I could jog one quarter of one lap before needed to walk a while, now I am up to half a mile before I need a breather. This is tremendously encouraging. Other benefits include an endorphin rush, feeling I am cleaning my lungs out quicker and I'm not gaining weight the way I did the last time I quit. Overall I am really encouraged by my new activity and willing to keep at it as I get lots of rewards for my effort.

Hello again

Its been a year and I thought while I'm at it I should check back in. I really don't think anyone reads this, but it's actually quite good for me and helps the process. After my last post a little over a year ago things became quite intense on the family front. I was having a hard time dealing with everything and returned to smoking. I needed to get my head around the psychological piece or more precisely I needed better strategies for dealing with some things that were coming up. By March I got serious about what I needed to deal with and by August I was ready to quit again. In planning a quit date in September ( which is always a good idea) I just quit without notice to myself. I woke up saying to myself, " Today is the day." That was two weeks ago, which feels good to say. I have lots of strategies and I learned a lot stuff in my last quit so I'm counting on those things this time around. I know its important to hold out for three months no matter what's going on and after six months smoking stops becoming a psychological crutch for most people. I really do have a lot to say but I think that's enough for now.

Summer Daze

Its been an incredibly busy Summer. I was hoping for something entirely different, but I guess you get what you get. For the most part things are a bit easier to deal with these days. I feel successful in many areas. I have fewer and fewer urges and the ones I have are easier to control or I can just ignore the feelings altogether. I have stopped gaining weight and actually have started to lose a little weight and I wake up each morning with a sense of vitality. I am finding a few areas a bit hard to deal with. Although I am now loosing the weight I gained its slow and a bit disheartening at times. There are quite a few Summer clothing items I have stuffed in the corner because its ridiculous to think I can squeeze into them right now. I also continue to have cravings in the evenings. Actually that is now the only time I have cravings. If its been a particularly busy day and I am tired and don't have the energy to get out and take a yoga class or do something physical I still have to ride the waves of longing, which at this point can kind of wear me down sometimes. As I continue to read about other peoples journey quite a few struggled continuously until about the third month, then many experience true relief. Alright then..... I'm far enough along to say that's just around the corner. So until then, lots of yoga, breath, meditation and I think a few trips to the lake are due as well.

Namaste everyone and be well.

Working it out

I haven't had any time to write about my journey lately, sorry. I'm plodding along. This past week I had family visiting. I love my family but this was stressful as hell. I came into this week telling myself to breath and immediately rushed into a restorative yoga class. Yesterday I took a full on physical, sweaty lets just work it all out kind of class and ended up crying at the end. I just needed to get it out. I have a few little Summer jobs and one of them is not enjoyable at all. There are some really toxic personalities floating about. A few times I have seriously wanted to stick a cigarette in my mouth and just watch everything go up in smoke. I didn't and here's why. Cigarettes will not help family communications, nor will they make the temporary co-workers attitudes become bearable. What cigarettes will do is make me sick, if not now, eventually. What will happen is right after I smoke I'll feel tired and fatigued and will not have the energy to deal with all the intense interactions I have to deal with, this will in turn make me emotionally venerable and to protect myself I will get sick. I don't need to smoke, I need to make some big decisions in my life, confront my issues. Scary man, scary........

In the meantime, it's a slow ascent up the mountain.